Tuesday 11 October 2016

The fluidity of sexuality...

In my opinion, everything in life is fluid - nothing lasts forever, at least not without glitches anyway. And the same goes, I reckon, for sexuality. You may identify as more than one sexuality at different points in your life and that doesn't mean you were wrong, or it was a phase or you made a choice and changed your mind; it just means it's fluid, it's ever-changing and as we grow, we become different people.

There was a time in my life when I identified as straight, because I thought I was; then I fell for a girl and I was confused, scared and excited. When I came out at that point, I didn't really come out - and I didn't label myself. And that's okay because labels aren't the be all and end all, and that's something I am perfectly comfortable with. So when things didn't work out and I had a boyfriend, everyone was shocked but I got the whole "it was a phase" thing (because people tend to forget that bisexuality is, in fact, valid). Then I had another girlfriend, and I decided that I identified as a lesbian. I slapped a label on myself, and said girlfriend used to tell me I was wrong because I'd had a boyfriend before being with her. Whatever, hun.

In time, that label fell off - I found myself another boyfriend. That relationship was a mess in itself, and I never told him that I was anything other than straight because I didn't trust him, I didn't know what he would do or say. I was on edge in case he found out and in time, that relationship fizzled out too and I met another girl. None of this was ever a big deal to me - you fall for a person, not a gender, I would say to people whenever they demanded to know my sexuality, to know why I'd had boyfriends and girlfriends.

For a time, I told myself and everybody else that I was bisexual because I thought it was the easy thing to do - it seemed easier than "admitting" I'd been wrong or I'd made a mistake. But of course, biphobia is and has been a massive issue in society, even within the LGBT+ community, and I hated labelling myself as something I knew deep down that I wasn't. Right now, I identify as a lesbian.

I identify as a lesbian because I can't ever see myself being with another boy; I can see myself marrying a girl, and I hope I do, and I can see myself growing up and growing old with a woman by my side, in a house with flowers round the door and a record player in the kitchen. But that's right now - I hope my current situation doesn't change but maybe one day, I'll identify as bisexual or pansexual or maybe even straight (I doubt that last one but what I want to say is, it doesn't mean you got it wrong).

Is this post a mess? Probably, but I think fluidity is something we don't talk about enough and on national coming out day, I wanted to write something LGBT+ related. Remember you don't have to come out today, just because there's a day for it - do so when you're ready, when you're safe and happy and supported. It was the best thing I ever did because I fell in love with myself and there's nothing better than being truly, amazingly, unequivocally you.


  1. I love this post so much! Fluidity is something that definitely needs to be talked about more; as well as when different orientations/sexualities collide; eg demi, ace & grey. As long as we all stay open and keep the conversation going we will get there! <3

  2. Personally, I identify *as* sexually fluid - because I am. I am not consistently straight, lesbian, bi, pan, ace, etc. but at various points, I am/have been/will be, all of them. I'm only happy with sexually fluid, or queer as identities, because I have valid claim to all other labels - but also none of them, and that makes me feel uncomfortable using any rigid label.

    I have no problem with people who change labels - *you* know who you are - at this moment - no-one else does.

    I definitely think we need to talk about fluidity more - firstly to make clear that it can mean either a) a change in identity, or b) an identity in its own right, and also to point out that it's not a threat to other people's identities.

    I'm not going to make ANYONE change if they're firmly one thing - but I would appreciate it if people took the time to understand that while they are firmly one thing, I am firmly changeable.

    I've seen a lot of LGBTQ+ people claim that fluid sexuality is something straight people say to deny the existence of LGBTQ+ people. And I'm thinking 'Hi! Sometimes I like boys, sometimes I like girls, sometimes I like both, and sometimes I don't like either! I exist too! Me - over here!'

    Btw, I really recommend the podcast Lovebomb with Nico Tortorella - it's a weekly discussion with Nico (who also identifies (when he identifies as anything) as fluid,) and a guest (of various identities) about love and sexuality.

    OK, I just rambled for several paragraphs when I've never said a word to you before - oops! Sorry! <3 <3 <3

  3. I love this post. I myself identify bisexual and am currently with a guy but have had girlfriends in the past. I honestly don't see the big deal with having to identify you are you and that is all that matters.

  4. Fluidity is something that should definitely be talked about more often! It's okay to not label yourself, you should be with and love whoever you want without being questioned or asked about it. I came out as bisexual last year and I am currently with a boy but I have had girlfriends previously and haven't loved them any less. You should need to identify yourself just because that's what society wants from you. The main thing is that your happy!

    Yasmina | The July Journal

  5. I completely agree with your post. Only YOU can decide what your sexuality and it's okay not to know. Labels just make things complicated (to me) and I never saw a reason for it.