Sunday, 5 April 2015

On labelling sexuality...

First off, apologies for being a bit MIA blog-wise lately, but life gets in the way sometimes and I've not been having the best week but I'm back with what is likely to be a weird ramble that probably makes very little sense to anyone other than myself.


I've never been a fan of 'labels' that are handed out to people; when I was in secondary school, I wore Paramore t-shirts and straightened my fringe so that it sat just so over my left eye, and sometimes I attached chains to my jeans. I hung around with boys who didn't wash their long hair and I went to rock concerts, often coming back with some sort of injury but that's not totally relevant. If I had a pound for every "mish mosh get a wash!" that was thrown in my direction, I could probably retire before I leave uni. Seriously though, I was branded a 'mosher' for most of my high-school days, which was irritating although not particularly offensive. Labelling sexuality, and especially other peoples' sexuality, is a different thing.

When I had my first relationship with a girl, I didn't tell the majority of my friends because I didn't know how they would react, and when I told my parents (albeit drunkenly) I didn't label myself; I simply told them that I was in a relationship with another girl and that was that. My dad said I could do whatever made me happy, except cocaine, and we didn't really talk much about it again. Until that relationship fizzled out, and a few months later I got a boyfriend. Nothing serious, but suddenly I was STRAIGHT AGAIN OMG. No, I wasn't, because shortly after I decided we were completely wrong for each other, and I got into a relationship with another girl.

I told my best friends at this point, mainly because they saw me kiss her at a party and demanded to know what was going on. "So you're bi?" they asked, and at the time I told them yes because I assumed that must be the case, given that I like girls and boys. Time went by, and I moved to uni while still in a same-sex relationship. All my new house mates were thrilled to have a token "lesbian mate", and asked all those ridiculous questions that people think they're entitled to ask despite the fact that Google is most definitely a thing.

I was treated like rubbish in that relationship, and broke it off a couple of weeks into my degree. A few weeks later I kissed a boy in a club and somehow a photo of that ended up on Facebook. One of my house mates said (jokingly I imagine, but really who knows) "When your mum sees it she'll be thrilled that you're not gay any more!" I laughed it off because I was hungover, embarrassed, and probably stuffing my face with spaghetti hoops but I still think about how it was an odd thing to say. Similar comments emerged when I got with my next boyfriend, and everyone demanded to know whether I was going to disclose my sexuality to him.

This is a weird one for me; I don't feel like I had to do so, although I do wish I did. I spent a whole 10 months worrying that he would find out from somebody else and break up with me because of it, but although he knew I'd slept with girls before, I never felt comfortable enough to tell him about my "sexuality" - which I guess says a lot about our relationship, huh. Sexuality is a weird one; nobody is expected to announce to each other that they're straight, but if you're anything other than heterosexual it's automatically a big deal.

I don't know what to label myself as; I am attracted to both girls and boys, girls more so, but I wholeheartedly believe that sexuality is a fluid spectrum. Things change as time goes on. I've had nasty comments made towards me, people telling me that I'm greedy and an attention seeker, but in my opinion, you can't help who you fall for. You don't love a whole gender, you love one person at one time (if you're monogamous) and they just happen to be of whatever gender they happen to be. I'm currently in a relationship with a beautiful girl who I think the world of and I feel blessed to have met her; I can only hope that I can make her happy and do right by her always. Ps, it's Sam of the wonderful Little Fickle, but you probably already knew that if you follow either of us on Twitter...

Literally, gold star if you made it to the end of the post - sorry it's so long! Happy Easter one and all.

20 comments:

  1. Labels are a very annoying thing. It annoys me that people think they are entitled to certain information and also that they think being gay, lesbian or bisexual is something new and dangerous -.- The Ancient Greeks never had a problem with it so I don't know why a modern society has to.

    Lauren :) x

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  2. Katy I loved this post! So beautifully written and touching!
    Just carry on doing what your doing, there's no right or wrong way to live life. And you're right about love- it doesn't conform to rules!
    This post was a very refreshing read :)

    Kathryn xx

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  3. What a totally honest and heartfelt post! I think labels in society are just a way to separate everyone & group them & society definitely loves it. I hate the abuse & comments you have received! I think people should just be loved & taken for who they are and the passions they share with each other not who they're dating or find attractive. What's it to do with other people it doesn't affect them, it bothers me how people take such opinions on things it does not affect.

    I absolutely love this post Katy & I'm so glad you're happy :)

    Love Claire xx

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  4. What a totally honest and heartfelt post! I think labels in society are just a way to separate everyone & group them & society definitely loves it. I hate the abuse & comments you have received! I think people should just be loved & taken for who they are and the passions they share with each other not who they're dating or find attractive. What's it to do with other people it doesn't affect them, it bothers me how people take such opinions on things it does not affect.

    I absolutely love this post Katy & I'm so glad you're happy :)

    Love Claire xx

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  5. Gorgeously written, thanks for sharing! It's lovely how you have found someone who makes you smile and keeps you happy, that's what people should be focusing on, as long as you're happy, who cares!

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  6. Love this post. And yes, I don't think people seem to realise that sexuality is a fluid thing! I identify as bisexual at this point in time, and came out to my family about 4/5 years ago (I came out to my dad by text whilst at college so I could go and stay/live with someone else if he didn't accept it hahaha)

    But for the past year or so have been more attracted to women. But life happens, and whoever I end up in a relationship with doesn't just cancel out my sexuality altogether. I don't suddenly become gay or straight. I 'become' that when I decide in my head what I identify as!

    But yes, at the end of the day I just think it's not affecting ANYONE apart from me and whoever I may end up in a relationship with. Therefore, people should not be offended.

    Right, I'll shut up now - in short though, I totally agree with what you are saying.

    http://www.alittletwistof.co.vu/

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  7. this is such a wonderful well written post! I think yourself and Sam are 2 of the most awesome people i follow on twitter and you both make such a lovely couple! So happy that you are together as you are both so amazing! Really admire your honesty and i am delighted that you are happy lovely young lady xx

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  8. This is a fab post, and whilst I myself have only ever been with males, I totally agree that sexuality is a fluid concept. You don't like people purely for their genitalia, you fall in love with the person they are! In all honesty, I didn't even think anything of you writing about your relationship with Sam, and I hope no one else does either! You're very brave and I wish you all the happiness in the world princess xxxxx

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  9. This is such a brilliant post, so well written! You're completely right about all the label stuff, especially like when you're with a girl you're gay, and when you're with a boy you're straight. You're just you, and that doesn't change regardless of who you're with. People should be more considerate when they are asking about stuff like this, and it's sad that it is often subject to a joke.

    Wish you all the happiness in your new relationship girl!

    Loves! Kirstie
    Kimamely Beauty

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  10. This post is AMAZING Katy and so so important! FYI I Literally had no idea but it makes absolutely no difference whatsoever! I'm glad you're in a happy relationship and the fact it's with a girl should be irrelevant. I was very much like you when I was in school - a "grunger" with a massive fringe, band t-shirts and too much eyeliner but it was fun and labels went over the top of my head. I don't understand the importance of labels within sexuality - why should it matter? As long as you're happy. Brilliant post :) xxx

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  11. Sexuality should not matter - what does matter is whether your happy in yourself and in that relationship! The people who make snarky comments are not truly your friends and are doing it to make themselves happier, I am happy your in a relationship with someone who you think the world of and that's how it should be - boy or girl! :) xxx

    www.thejulyjournal.com

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  12. You make very valid points here - I'm straight and would find it very weird if someone asked me lots of intrusive questions about it, so why should people think it's okay to do it to people of different sexuality? Lovely to hear that you're in a good relationship after what sounds like a hard time of it previously. Male or female, it's that the person makes you happy that matters. x
    www.lovedbylaura.com

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  13. Things shouldn't have to be labelled, complexly agree. I feel like its societies way to box you and make you follow a set or rules and a path which is laid out in front of you. I have been in a long term relationship for 9 years, and I forever get asked when are we getting married? I struggle slightly with the concept, for me It's a label. I am already committed to my partner, I personally don't need validation from society in the form of a marriage certificate. In the same turn I don't judge anyone who wants to get married, everyone has there own way in life!

    Really lovely post Katy, really nice to read a post that's so open and honest!

    www.beaucience.co.uk

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  14. Such a great post - I think we all need the occasional reminder that other people aren't ours to pigeonhole. Just because life is easier when everything is in neat boxes, doesn't mean it's better!

    Really glad that you're in a great relationship and that you're happy. Long may it last!

    LB x
    thelittlebonesblog.co.uk

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  15. Nice to hear your story on this issue. I have many friends who like both girls and guys, and i honestly don't think its a big deal. They can like whoever, i mean sexuality (to me) its more of a scale. Its not a definite thing. if you get what i mean. And people should not be so quick to judge and label.
    I love how open you are with this on your blog.

    X. Carina
    Running White Horses | Fashion + Travel

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  16. "Do whatever makes you happy, except cocaine" ahaha I love your Dad!! :') I really feel for you sweet, I don't get why people see it as such a novel thing? Like hey I'm attracted to this person does it matter what gender they are?! Very not OK thing for your housemate to say! I'd be so outraged! I also hope one day that you won't have to announce your sexuality or explain it to anyone, it's not fair at all. I have lots of love for Sammy and I wish you guys the best! Yay two bloggers! :D also fab that blogging brought you guys together, well I assume that's how ye met, I could be wrong! I'd love to meet someone through blogging :) xoxo
    amber love

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  17. Really well written Katy, I made it to the end easily! It's so good that bloggers are starting to speak out about this topic as it'll encourage others to do so too and make it less of a taboo :) No one has the right to label somebody else, we're all different even if we appear to fit under a certain label!

    Emma xx

    www.alittlefreckle.blogspot.co.uk

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  18. I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I've been in a relationship with a man who I love dearly for 9 years, but does that mean I'm straight? I don't think so. I don't want to be with a woman currently because I only want to be with my boyfriend, but if we weren't together, I don't think gender would really be a deciding factor in any relationship. However, I sort of baulk as being labelled as "bisexual" not because I'm ashamed of my feelings, but because it would lead to awkward and over-personal questions about my current and past relationships.

    In short, amazing post Katy! Definitely a lot of food for thought

    Roisi x

    www.roisi.co.uk

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  19. Great post :) Glad you wrote about it, i hope it will help other people who are in a similar position! A lot of people need to think before they speak... As long as you're happy, your real friends and family will be happy for you and that's all that matters! Lyd X

    electricSUEDE

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  20. "One of my house mates said (jokingly I imagine, but really who knows) "When your mum sees it she'll be thrilled that you're not gay any more!""

    What a horrible thing to say. Wow. Sorry your journey has been so difficult. Labelling sexuality for most people is as useless as labelling yourself a "spaghetti hoop eater" and then forcing yourself only to eat spaghetti hoops for the rest of your life just to stay true to your "label." In my opinion, anyway. Great post on this subject, I totally relate on many counts!!!

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