Monday, 30 March 2020

Lockdown 2020: word dump

TW: this post may be triggering to those with mental health issues. Please take care.

Being alone with your own thoughts is never a good thing. Having too much time at home is never a good thing - with nothing to do other than read and watch Disney+ and rearrange your make up drawers, it's no wonder we're all going stir crazy. There was a few days of sunshine where things seemed a bit more manageable; now though, it's all a bit dismal. Grey skies and incredibly grey moods, for me at least.

This post is a bit of a word dump, so bear with me. But as someone who used to suffer quite badly from depression and spent most of my time indoors doing basically nothing, I'm scared. I'm scared of falling back down the rabbit hole and back into old habits. Bad habits. Because when you're forced into a routine that so vividly echoes the one you were in at the worst time of your life, it's triggering.

Happier times
I'm doing everything I can to keep my head above the water. I'm crying when I need to and doing my colouring in and painting my nails - old distraction techniques that I'd hoped I would never need to resort to again. Yet here we are. I'm barely eating and I'm over sleeping and I'm making jokes about it, but I am worried. I've come so far from where I used to be and I never want to experience that drowning feeling again.

If you're in the same boat (sorry about all the water analogies????) then solidarity to you. Please know you can speak to me if you need a distraction or just want a bit of a rant. As much as the word 'unprecedented' has been bandied about like nobody's business, these really ARE unprecedented times. None of us have ever experienced something like this and, frankly, none of it seems real. It's scary and it's brand new and it's confusing - nobody's got it figured out and if you're making it through every day then you can and should be so proud of yourself.

Why am I sharing this, you might ask. Bit personal, isn't it? But I have always used my blog as a place to try and make sense of my own thoughts as well as a place to review the latest lipstick collection or share my favourite books. And I know in years to come I'll want to look back on this crazy time - I'll want to remember how much I struggled, and know that I came out the other side even stronger. Because I know I will.

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