*potential trigger warning*
I was just sat here contemplating my ridiculous amount of deadlines when I thought, people who suffer from mental health problems at uni don't get enough recognition for the fact they manage to get through three intense years without deciding to emigrate to the moon (which has crossed my mind occasionally I must admit). I was diagnosed with depression a few months into my second year of uni, but it had been brewing for a long time before that. I wish I could say it's getting better but honestly, 3 months down the line I feel just as bad if not worse than I did before. So there's that.
Don't get me wrong, I literally love uni. My course is wonderful - or at least half of it, but that's not particularly relevant - and Chester is a truly beautiful city. The friends I've made are so precious to me and the university is full of really lovely people. But sometimes, people at uni really do suck. The worst thing is when people ask "so why are you depressed?" as if it's something I chose and something that I have the power to change with the click of never-perfectly-manicured finger. And another one is when people go into depths about the terrible things they/their friend/their mum has been through, to then say "and they aren't depressed so you shouldn't be!" like oh okay, sorry.
Most of my friends have been supportive; although some never mention it, most of them have been great. They tell me they're always there for me, but what do you say when it's 3 in the morning and you're sat there thinking how appealing the canal looks right now? What can they do when you've rewritten an assignment six times and you still feel like a toddler could do better? For me it's got the stage where I'm so exhausted and so ridiculously sad all the time that I can see my grades slipping like a landslide and it isn't bothering me like it would have done a few years ago. All I can do is shrug my shoulders and hope that each assignment comes back with a pass rather than a fail.
I've taken to going home at weekends now to be with my family, and it makes me happy that I get to spend time with them but the constant packing/travelling is exhausting. I've considered moving home and commuting, but I do enjoy the freedom I get when I'm at uni, and knowing my friends are close by and I can see them whenever makes everything a little bit more bearable.
Having a mental illness whilst being at uni is exhausting; I don't physically look ill, so I feel bad for missing seminars when everything gets a bit too much. I don't really know what there is at uni in terms of support, but it's definitely something I'm going to look into during my third year because I know everything will be really hectic and I'll need the support more than ever.
I think it's important for people to realise that other's around them may be suffering in silence; everyone's fighting their own battles and you never truly know how other people are feeling so keep your shitty opinions to yourself and if you think someone's struggling, take the time to ask if they're okay and if they need anything.
I don't really know where I was going with this post but I just feel so shit lately and I wanted to get my thoughts down. I might not even post it but if you're reading this then I obviously did. If you ever need an ear, my contact details are on my blog and I'll do my best to listen.
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