Saturday, 7 November 2015


TW - self harm.

Today marks a day that at one point, I didn't think would ever come - today, I am officially 100 days clean of self harm. It's been a tough process, and every day I'm so grateful to have had the strength to overcome it. The first time I ever self harmed was out of a sense of desperation: an aching need to do anything and everything to quieten the noise in my head. I was shaking and scared and angry. It was never something I wanted to do, but in that moment I felt as if there was no other way to stop the ringing in my ears and the thoughts that swarmed in my brain.

I still have those thoughts and I still have moments where hurting myself seems like the only way to distract from them - I self harmed because I was desperate to feel something that wasn't depression. Something that wasn't evil words in my head and sadness resting on my bones. Something that wasn't a feeling that I would never be happy, something that wasn't constant exhaustion in every sense of the word. I've learnt to cope with it; I think, now, I'm getting better and that's something I've been wanting to say for so long.

100 days is a long time to be without something that was once a crutch, a coping mechanism, something that became a habit after ever panic attack and every argument. It was something that happened every morning and every night, something that allowed me to feel alive in some sick irony. It's something I've had to work hard to replace - colouring in, painting my nails, Lush baths and lengthy blog posts. No more long sleeves in the summer time and sticking plasters all over my legs. No more stings when the shower's too hot and no more smelling of antiseptic cream.

I've come through the other side, and I'm speaking out to help break the stigma that surrounds self-harm. It's not attention seeking and it's not pretty. It's not pictures of glitter-covered bruises on tumblr, it's something that you do when you don't see any other way of being alone with your mental illness.


  1. Congratulations! That's such an incredible achievement! Proud of you <3
    Hattie //

  2. What an amazing achievement! I struggle with self harm and depression as well and it's so relieving to read about the positive outcomes of it! Keep going strong x
    Charlotte x

  3. You should be so proud of yourself beautiful, as you have come so far. 100 days clean is an absolutely incredible achievement, and you have done so very well to get through it. I am 10 months clean myself, and I know how hard it is, but with courage and determination, you are living proof that recovery is possible. Keep going girl. You're doing so, so well x
    Jade x

  4. I am so proud of you and you should be so proud of yourself. I know how hard this is and its incredible brave of you to share this. If you ever need to talk you know where I am love xx