The misconstructions of depression

As it's depression awareness week, I thought I'd write another mental health-related post; and no, I'm not going to apologise for it, because it's about time we broke the stigma and carried on the conversation. There are so many misconstructions surrounding depression, and if I can stop just one person saying something rude/offensive/unhelpful to someone who's suffering, then this post will all be worth it.

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"You're so lazy" my friends say as I crawl into bed after my 9am lecture has finally finished. The truth is, I was up til 3am trying to block the vile thoughts from swirling around my brain, and when I did sleep it was plagued with nightmares. I had to force myself out of bed and into somewhat-presentable clothes, all the while fighting the self-destructive voices that lurk in my ears. My body literally feels like lead, and my bed is the only place I feel safe right now. Believe it or not, I'd love to be out there going for a walk along the canal or shopping with the girls, but it's all it's taking all my energy to not break down and cry.

"You can't be depressed, my *insert family member here* has been homeless, lost a baby and has recently got divorced again and they've never been depressed."  Last time I checked, depression was caused by an imbalance of hormones and chemical in one's brain, not the number of bad things that have happened in someone's life. It really gets to me when people say this - life's not a competition, you know.

"Maybe you just need to get out there and do stuff!!!!!" As I said before, it's hard enough to drag myself out of bed most days - I'm nearing the end of my second year of uni, and there's been so many times when I've had enough and nearly dropped out. Here I am, still going, and I'm bloody well proud of myself for that. I am 'doing stuff', and recently I've been made to get a summer job. Maybe it won't be as awful as my brain is telling me it will be, but I really could have done without it. Your mental health is important and don't let anybody tell you differently.

"I know what it's like to feel down, you know" oh do you? I know people are only trying to help when they say things like this, but there's an almighty difference between having something upset you for a few days, and lying in bed in the middle of the night questioning your existence and wanting to crawl out of your own skin, drowning in tears for no discernible reason.

I hope I haven't offended anyone, but it really grinds my gears when people say stuff like this to me under the pretence of trying to help. Mental health is so so so important and I wish more people understood that. If you're suffering, please don't hesitate to reach out for the help you both need and deserve. I'm always only an email away!

Having mental health issues at uni // A ramble

*potential trigger warning*

I was just sat here contemplating my ridiculous amount of deadlines when I thought, people who suffer from mental health problems at uni don't get enough recognition for the fact they manage to get through three intense years without deciding to emigrate to the moon (which has crossed my mind occasionally I must admit). I was diagnosed with depression a few months into my second year of uni, but it had been brewing for a long time before that. I wish I could say it's getting better but honestly, 3 months down the line I feel just as bad if not worse than I did before. So there's that.

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Don't get me wrong, I literally love uni. My course is wonderful - or at least half of it, but that's not particularly relevant - and Chester is a truly beautiful city. The friends I've made are so precious to me and the university is full of really lovely people. But sometimes, people at uni really do suck. The worst thing is when people ask "so why are you depressed?" as if it's something I chose and something that I have the power to change with the click of never-perfectly-manicured finger. And another one is when people go into depths about the terrible things they/their friend/their mum has been through, to then say "and they aren't depressed so you shouldn't be!" like oh okay, sorry.

Most of my friends have been supportive; although some never mention it, most of them have been great. They tell me they're always there for me, but what do you say when it's 3 in the morning and you're sat there thinking how appealing the canal looks right now? What can they do when you've rewritten an assignment six times and you still feel like a toddler could do better? For me it's got the stage where I'm so exhausted and so ridiculously sad all the time that I can see my grades slipping like a landslide and it isn't bothering me like it would have done a few years ago. All I can do is shrug my shoulders and hope that each assignment comes back with a pass rather than a fail.

I've taken to going home at weekends now to be with my family, and it makes me happy that I get to spend time with them but the constant packing/travelling is exhausting. I've considered moving home and commuting, but I do enjoy the freedom I get when I'm at uni, and knowing my friends are close by and I can see them whenever makes everything a little bit more bearable.

Having a mental illness whilst being at uni is exhausting; I don't physically look ill, so I feel bad for missing seminars when everything gets a bit too much. I don't really know what there is at uni in terms of support, but it's definitely something I'm going to look into during my third year because I know everything will be really hectic and I'll need the support more than ever.

I think it's important for people to realise that other's around them may be suffering in silence; everyone's fighting their own battles and you never truly know how other people are feeling so keep your shitty opinions to yourself and if you think someone's struggling, take the time to ask if they're okay and if they need anything. 

I don't really know where I was going with this post but I just feel so shit lately and I wanted to get my thoughts down. I might not even post it but if you're reading this then I obviously did. If you ever need an ear, my contact details are on my blog and I'll do my best to listen.

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