Brain Dump - June 2016

Sometimes I have a lot of thoughts and feelings and sometimes, it helps to write them down and share them with the world. Sometimes I prefer to keep them hidden (the murderous thoughts, particularly) but today's post is just a jumble of thoughts.

I am happy. So very happy; a few weeks ago, I was at the students' union bar with my friends, drinking cheap cider, sitting in the rain while somebody played an acoustic guitar and somebody else was drinking moonshine. It was late and inside someone was butchering Frank Sinatra on karaoke, and the night ended in salty kisses and a desire for cheesy garlic bread. And I stood there with this stupid smile on my face as we all said goodbye and went our separate ways, and I stayed up for a few hours because I was happy. I was so happy and I didn't want that feeling to end, or be replaced with a hangover.

And I'm still happy. And I think, looking back a year, I was certain I'd never get to this point. I was absolutely sure my days would revolve around hating myself for the rest of my life; I couldn't see a time when my bones didn't ache from sadness and stress and anger. Yet here I am. I did it. I made it -and so can you, and you, and you. I did it with medication (for a bit) and it got to the stage where I didn't need that, or the one CBT session I was given after an 8-month wait. Mostly, I did it on my own. I had friends and family and a further support system, but only I knew how I felt and what I thought. Only I could fight it, and I did.

It gets easier. It gets better. It gets so much better, if you let it. If you breathe fresh air and eat nice food, if you laugh with your friends and listen to music way too loud, if you cut toxic people from your life and do things for you. I think the biggest and best thing I've learnt in my almost-21 years on this earth, is do what's best for you. You don't owe anybody anything, and life doesn't owe you anything either. Make your own happiness, because we all have to - ain't no such thing as olive branches, not really; if you want something, go and get it. Everything you have is because you've earned it in one way or another, and you should be damn well proud of that. Don't hang onto relationships of any kind that don't bring you happiness, just for the sake of the other person; you don't have to stay in somebody's life just because they love you. Not everything works out, and that's okay. You have to put yourself first. Don't eat food you don't like just because someone made it for you. Don't pretend to like something just to impress somebody else. Don't go out if you don't want to, if you don't want a hangover in work and you'd rather be in bed with a chick flick.

Live your life for you; it's what I've finally decided to do, and I'm happier than I've been in years.

EDIT - I wrote this a few weeks ago; a lot of things have happened since then, but all in all I'm still happy. I want to make a difference, and I'm excited for what my future holds, and all the horror and heartache the world has seen recently only reinforces my desire to change lives and change perspectives.