Friday, 19 June 2015

Depression in my relationship...

First off, there's no plan for this post. Take it as it comes; it will be a ramble, a potential rollercoaster of emotions, and it probably won't be pretty. As you may know, both myself and my girlfriend suffer from depression. We've both been pretty open about it on our blogs - her's is if you want to have a gander - and I thought I'd carry on the conversation today. We were actually diagnosed with depression around the same time, although we didn't meet each other 'til a few months later.

Having depression yourself is torture, but watching the person you're in love with suffer from it too is something so much worse than that. It's frustrating, knowing that they deserve the world and you can offer them no more solace than the corner of a rose garden, dodging your own thorns along the way. It's exhausting in a way that sleeping becomes something that's always just out of your grasp, as you learn to fight your own nightmares and their's too, and your bed never feels as comfortable when they're not there. It breaks your heart watching them battle the shadows in their head and in their heart, as they dip in and out of brightness alongside you, sometimes at the same time but more often than not, at completely different times.

It's one of the worst feelings, knowing that love alone can't fix somebody's problems. But that's not to say love isn't important - because it is, vastly so. I adore Sam, and I know how important it is to remind her of that every day. Laughing together and getting to see the way her eyes light up when I listen to her tell me a funny story or talking about something that she's passionate about, is one of the things I love the most in life. Reading her blog posts and stories, looking at her artwork, listening to her sing in the bath, feeling her heartbeat against mine, having her wash my hair in the shower - they're the simple things that I love about her. She's incredibly talented, more intelligent than most people and the strongest person I've ever met. Loving her is the easiest thing in the world; depression makes it hard to love and be loved, but not when it comes to Sam.

Meeting Sam has changed my life in the best way: it's made me want to get better. I still have days that are so awful I want the ground to swallow me up, but hearing her voice somehow makes everything okay. She's given me a reason to keep going, a reason to get out of bed in the morning, a reason to go out and do stuff if only to make her proud of me. She makes me want to be a better person, and I'm so grateful to have met her.

I love you, Sam.


  1. This is such a beautiful post! I've suffered from depression throughout my teenage years and it is hard to deal with yourself, let alone for my friends etc to deal with. I hope yours and Sam's mental health gets better soon, it's a terrible thing to have to battle!

    Holly x

  2. This is without a doubt the most beautiful and heartbreaking thing I've ever read. Its incredible how deeply in love you both are, and its both sad and wonderful that you have each other in those dark times. She is very lucky to have you in her life, and you her. Your love for each other is inspiring, and you will both get through this, together. You're so strong and deserve every happiness, and you WILL get better, it might take time but one day you'll get there, and Sam will be right there with you when you do x
    Aisling | Aislings beauty bytes

  3. Such a beautifully written heartfelt post. Whilst there is no cure for depression, at least you can understand what the other is going through and help each other through the dark days as well as the good. Wishing you both all the happiness you deserve xx
    Laura | Loved By Laura

  4. I feel your pain, i suffer with depression too but i wish i had someone there for me like you do.

  5. Ah wow this post. More and more people, especially young people, are suffering mental illnesses now (a scientific study showed that soon more people will suffer from mental illnesses than all other illness put together...yet they make cuts to these sectors in UK!) so it's getting more likely we'll have other people in our life who also suffer. It is awful to see someone you love going through it, but at least they (hopefully) then also understand each other :) my mam and a few of my close friends also suffer from depression, and I know my family has found it hard the last few years I've been struggling. Beautiful words my girl xoxo

  6. Legit nearly cried at this. Such a beautiful post. I wish you and Sam all the happiness in the world - you are the cutest couple ever 💖 xx

  7. This is such a wonderful post, Katy. You write about depression, love and Sam so beautifully. Thank you for sharing.


  8. Wow, Katy, this is such a strong piece. The bit about the rose garden and dodging your own thorns is absolutely beautiful. I suffer from depression as does my boyfriend, he has since his early teens and there's nothing worse watching the person you would give the earth to not want it. I loved this, thank you so much for sharing.

    Sarah x